A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
You Might Also Like
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…