*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
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Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
For the orator and chef in all of us
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Wait a second…
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.