@Elizasoul80: A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I'm mad at her because I haven't answered, but I'm still typing.
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@drinksmcgee: Me, a Canadian: The metric system is easy. 100mm = 1cm. 100cm = 1m. Super easy. You, an American: The imperial system is easy. 1 Flapjangle = 7.2 Flogboggles. 29 Flogboggles = 3.97 Dingmarkles. Super easy.
@SkylarGarland: "I'll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter" (How I'd die in a horror movie)
@theroneman: [mom sneaks up & scares son; ruins coloring] Narrator: Does this happen to u? Then u need... [cut to mom jumping on 1 foot & yelling] Legos
@baeblacksheep: If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you'll be if you're breaking a chair on someone's head every day.