A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
You Might Also Like
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.