Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
You Might Also Like
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.