@Underchilde: A friend was telling me about quantum mechanics and I told her how I hate it when the safety seal on ketchup leaves that clear film behind.
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@jonnysun: [trying to do standup] u kno whats funy– [someone yells 'society!'] nno– [entire audience starts laughig] wait [audience laughs louder] stop
@DirtMcTurd: A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action... And opened another register
@LaniBeno: I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
@TheCatWhisprer: We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.