A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
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WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.