A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
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[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Zack Greinke stories are the best