@NYC_Blonde: A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
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@rockymomax: [baby finally falls asleep] ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax DOG: I'M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
@GrantTanaka: there's a jehovah's witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
@ericONEderful: In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: *gets all four daughters dressed* Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses. Me: But- Wife: Everyone. Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*