@NYC_Blonde: A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
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@edgarrants: My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
@VanVeenB: Tried pushing her against the wall to kiss her like all you guys suggested. Put her head right through the drywall. Goddam cheap motels.
@SwartyComedy: They'll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that's been open for more than 2 years.