@NYC_Blonde: A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
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@jackiembouvier: I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I'd put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
@my_boy_joey: I just saw a raccoon get hit by a Smart Car. The poor lil fella suffered a sprained ankle.
@SuicideBooth1: [couples therapy] Mrs: he's too handsy, always touching me all over... Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS...