A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
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CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?