Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
You Might Also Like
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??