I need this for my side hustle.
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Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
#titanic
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
😩😩😩
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.