@NeinQuarterly: A friend's father had been using LOL to mean lots of love. This explained such messages as "Your grandmother's in the hospital. LOL."
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@BobTheSuit: The self-checkout screen says "Finish and pay." I feel like I'm with an irritable hooker.
@Mr_Kapowski: We should've cremated Michael Jackson in case of the zombie apocalypse or else people will think they're part of a Thriller flash mob
@KeetPotato: [at dave's who has like 9 dogs] me: "what d'you call a fly with no wings" dave: "keith dont" me: "a WALK!" [drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]