I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
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It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.