a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
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Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???