a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
You Might Also Like
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
this could fix me
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games