“what that mouth do?” complain
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[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
This guy gets it.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.