🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
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HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
mentally somewhere in italy
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily