Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
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Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
meow
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch