A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
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I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Okay, I’m still confused…
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
tinder is all about the long game
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it