Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
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I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again