A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
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Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Breaking news:
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her