A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
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I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution