I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
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Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.