Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
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I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Jesus Christ lmao
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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