A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
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Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
channeling her this year
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
A friend helps you before you need it
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.