A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
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I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Doggies just call it style.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics