A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
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[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
She: I like Cats
He:
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…