A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
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I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then