A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
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Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
philosophical skeletons be like
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.