Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
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*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
What
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal