Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
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Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Just parrot things
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Kermit goes Blue.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.