a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
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A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
So true for me
Customize Your Wedding.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
new career option?