A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
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My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.