Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
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judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.