What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
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Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
She: I like Cats
He:
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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5
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90Me: Nailed it.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
the #horror is real!
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.