A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
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Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
😬
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.