A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
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To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
From Facebook just now…
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy