A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
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It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.