A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
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HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*