A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
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I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.