@fightforfood: A funny thing to do when someone's dog barks at you is say, "I don't speak dog," and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
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@OtherDanOBrien: ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me ME: I like you ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
@HabeasDorkis: I don't wear sunglasses because it's unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it's an inch from my eye I'm all "um, no."
@Nickadoo: Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I'm beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson's daughter.