Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
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[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search