a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
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Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.