@matthandlersux: a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
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@onion_an: Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that's none of your business
@JosesLovesYou: -911 Whats the emergency? My wife is suffocating me -Literally or figuratively sir? Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
@Jordan_Morris: Here's one of the dumbest thoughts I've ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: "Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?"