a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
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*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.