u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
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calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
The absolute effort that went into this omg
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Pass gas, not judgment.