I see your IQ test came back negative
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Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late