A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
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I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
me and the Superbowl rn
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”