I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
You Might Also Like
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?