Best correction of the day, if not ever:
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It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Seek kebab; not attention