We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
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A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Why font matters.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
i can’t wait that long