A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
You Might Also Like
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
😂🤣😂🤣
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Oh thanks BBC.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…