@ieatanddrink: A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
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@JermHimselfish: Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything's a birdhouse now
@SortaBad: My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I'm 1 million percent sure this is Adele's fault
@blondecalamity: Me: I baked cookies! Who's the best Mom ever? Son: Oprah! Me: Gimme the damn cookies back! Son: See? Oprah GIVES, she doesn't take!
@thatUPSdude: Went to Hollister but nothing fit, plus got lost in there for a week. Came out 30lbs lighter, so went back in to buy a shirt. Well played.