@ieatanddrink: A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
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@CornOnTheGoblin: [my funeral] sister: did you know about this? mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it's what he wanted
@michaelianblack: Finally saw the new Batman. SPOILER ALERT: the Bane character is up to no good.
@iwearaonesie: me[holding wife's shirt] Can this go in the dryer? wife:What does it say on the tag? me:Gap wife:The other tag me:Oh wife me:Made in Vietnam
@GingerHotDish: Not to brag, but I’m easily the hottest person in a Waffle House bathroom stall at any given moment in Georgia.