@darksidedeb: A giant lizard rebuilds Japan and the moonwalks into the sea. #ReverseAFilmPlot
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@INDlAN_: [shootout] Cop: I said fire a warning shot Me: I already did. Cop: you shot him in the face Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
@badAzz_mom: If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you're talking to someone else on the phone.
@ericsshadow: [on a date] HER: any accomplishments? ME: yeah, i'm an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog... liker HER: awww
@hunz74: My son has the worst altitude ever. He's defiant, rude and floating like six feet off the ground.